Henry Rollins talks about the significant women in his life (2024)

I was raised by my mother, Iris, in Washington, DC. Almost immediately upon my entry into the world my parents divorced, and to this day I don't know why. Once I was out of diapers, I spent weekdays with Mom and weekends with Dad.

My mother had a profound influence on me. My home today looks like the apartments she and I lived in: there's art on the walls, lots of books, too many records and no TV.

Mom and I would go to the record store three days a week to buy records.

I became an eclectic little kid because of that, raised on Bob Dylan, Barbra Streisand, Chopin, Bach, Arlo Guthrie, Coltrane, Miles Davis ... By the time I was 10 I just wanted to sit in my room and listen to music.

When my parents split, Mom hit the ground running. She was a motivated young professional working in education. I was a totally hyper child. She didn't know what to do. She didn't have friends who were parents. They would come over for gin and tonics, cigarettes and to bitch about Nixon. Her peer group was motivated feminist types who had boyfriends but weren't looking to get married. They didn't live off men.

I was sexually assaulted at the age of seven by Mom's boyfriend. He was a mean drunk, and perverted. I wasn't penetrated but it was a game-changer. I'd done something wrong and Mom got him to come over and straighten me out. He came in like a hit man and beat the hell out of me with a belt. He made me strip down naked, then played with me for a minute. Mom was in the living room. It made me very angry. I have never raised my voice or hand to a female, but I will hit a guy without thinking twice. Thankfully I am able to curb that anger, but I feel it all the time.

I had a grandmother on my mother's side whom I met twice. Both times she seemed really tired, but then I found out she was completely drunk. I also twice met Dad's mom, Belle; she was very kind and acted like a grandmother in a movie.

My parents were married but I have never seen a photo of them together, or the three of us together. The separation was very unfriendly; when I was nine, Mom would make me tell Dad if he was late with his child payments. I didn't like it when she made me do that.

My first kiss was at 15. I was a private school boy who was introverted and uptight. The girl took me to her school dance. Her friend had a bottle of Jack Daniel's and she told me to drink some. I took a swig. All of a sudden this girl and I were on the dance floor and I was being kissed. I didn't initiate it. I was shy.

I dated a few girls in high school but it didn't go well. I met a girl in 11th grade who I dated until 12th grade and I lost my virginity to her. Then I joined Black Flag and within a week I was being hit on by intense punk rock girls. Being the lead singer of a band has big currency.

I got the gist of four- to seven-minute relationships during my rock'n'roll life. I had physical fun with women. I never dated women for more than six months at a time, though I lived with a woman for six months in 1986, before I went off to form the Rollins Band. We are still friends and talk once a week, even though she got married and has a kid.

Through the Washington punk scene I learnt that women were equals. By the time I got to the LA punk scene, it was super misogynist and women were there to pull up their T-shirts for men. That never made sense to me.

Every once in a while I think I want romance, but it's like holding on to sand. It always slips away. Falling in love does not interest me.

Black Flag had a female bass player called Kira Roessler. She was a mere slip of a woman but physical size really didn't matter. She was in one of the most ferocious bands at the peak of violence in that scene in the '80s. She was as tough as any of us and could stand up to anything.

At 55, I know who I am. I am not that interested in having someone to account to and be romantic with on a regular basis. Every once in a while I think I want it, but it's like holding on to sand. It always slips away. Falling in love does not interest me.

Marriage crossed my mind for a minute when I was young, but it wasn't rooted in reality. Since I became a grey-haired man, it has never occurred to me.

My mother is still alive. She is 85, but I don't really see her. I haven't seen my dad since 1987. I was really raised as an afterthought and that's just the way it went, I guess.

An inspirational woman in my life was Ginger, the mother of my best friend Ian MacKaye [of the band Fugazi]. She passed away in 2004. She was an amazing intellect, an author and cerebral woman who would call you out on things but offer suggestions as well. She is the woman who taught me the power of ideas and the intellect, that it's not about beating up the guy in the school yard, it's about the museums you go to and the books you read. •

An Evening with Henry Rollins is on at Arts Centre Melbourne's State Theatre on September 19 and 20.